Lost.

I really just don't even know where to start. The title of this blog says it all...for every aspect of my life. I'm so incredibly lost. Lost because I don't know what religion answers my questions, lost because i'm a failure when it comes to relationships, lost because i don't even really know who i am. It's such a really frustrating and confusing time of my life right now. It's uncomfortable and I'm scrambling for control of the situation. Here's a good analogy: I feel like I'm drowning. And every time I have a chance to get a breath of air...I just go right back down under & struggle.

Today at church with Linds and Cory, one of the speakers said a quote that really impacted my life. This quote was..."Knowing who you are changes what you do." What perfect timing for me to hear this. I look at people who are so confident in the person that they are and they make their decisions based on what THEY feel....not what other's tell them. Then I looked inwards towards myself and once again, I have no idea who I am. Sure, I'm Rachel, short, dark hair, ex-gymnast, etc. But none of those things have the ability to help me do things and make decisions that I am comfortable with. I can't really base anything off the characteristics about myself because I don't really know them. Or I can't see them rather. And this just results in making irrational decisions or doing things that I wouldn't normally do. This probably makes no sense but it just really struck me today when I heard it. It was kind of funny, Linds and I both reached for something to write with and wrote it on the back of one of the hymn handouts.

I guess completely changing the subject...I've found a cause that I really can identify with. It's a campaign that really tries to diffuse cultural pressure to be thin. It mainly involves Eating Disorders. It's called the "True Campaign." The first big heading on the website says "Challenge the Culture. End the Crisis." As soon as I read that, I knew that I was hooked. The way that the website explains their mission is: "The True Campaign exists to end the crisis of poor self image by challenging cultural ideals about identity and beauty, so we can be free to impact our world as God intended."
How powerful...right? You can go to http://www.truecampaign.org

I have so much more that I need to get out but I am not able to right now. It's been such an overwhelming, emotional last couple of weeks and I'm just not ready yet.

Halloween Cookies

Tonight, I baked halloween cookies for my grandma and Ryan's grandma. I used cookie cutters to start off with but then got annoyed of the dough getting too soft. I ended up doing half shapes half regular circles. They turned out great though, taste wonderful, and I'm so excited to send the Grammies their Halloween packages!

I tend to bake when I'm stressed. I'm slowly starting to get a little but more un-stressed but not a whole lot. I just think too much and overanalyze everything. It's really pretty exhausting. Maybe someday I'll learn...

I quit my job tutoring. It just wasn't going to suffice only getting 30 dollars every two weeks or so. And that's before taxes. I have an interview on Sunday for another job that I really hope to get. Please pray for me--I know I will be!

It really is a really great feeling to know that I made the right choice to transfer back home. I have had so many more valuable opportunities and I'm one hundred percent happier. I've also met/restarted friendships with some amazing people that I hope are in my life for eternity! I'm just so lucky :) Thank you to everyone. I think you guys know who you are.

I'm so exhausted...like every other day. I'm going to go to bed. I keep falling asleep while praying. I really like praying before bed. It's calming to me and a time where I can become really close with Him. I look forward to that time. I suggest trying it...

Have a wonderful day!

Here goes nothing...

I've never really done this before. It kind of freaks me out a little bit. Having my life broadcasted over the internet. But I guess if I don't advertise this link anywhere, no one is going to see it. I figured I needed to do something though. I'm so stressed out I feel like I'm going to burst. I need an outlet to vent on and I figured maybe I'd give this a try. After many failed attempts at journaling, this may be the answer? Who knows.

My thoughts are basically ALL over the place. I am so stressed out and I just have no idea what I can do to start feeling better. My main stressor is money right now. I don't have any. My tutoring job fell through and that was going to be a source like 200 dollars a month. Now, I only have my restaurant job which is great. But I need another one. I'd like to make around 500 dollars a month. I think I may apply somewhere else, like Starbucks or something. Even if I can atleast get hired for holiday help. Or if I have to drive far away. As long as I can generate a little more income.

This whole apartment mess back in WI is just making me sick to my stomach. I need to get my keys back and I do not understand why she is not answering ANY of my attempts at contacting her. It's really driving me crazy and making me go insane. I just can't keep asking my parents to pay for my idiotic mistakes that I make. I just feel so irresponsible. I think that may be what is the driving force behind all this. I am a perfectionist and the fact that I made bad decisions and mistakes with this whole apartment is just plaguing me. I wish I was perfect. I should be perfect. I should never mess up. I'm just so upset.

On a happier note though, I've found some great friends recently. Lauren and Chelsea are just two of the most genuine, nicest girls I've ever met. We all clicked and have a blast together--even if it's just in class. I'm glad I transferred to AU and wandered in to that spanish class. What a blessing in disguise. I've also revisted an old friendship that wasn't that strong from high school. And what a wonderful gift it's been. Lindsey have just been such a lifesaver and source of strength for me recently. It's funny, but I can absolutely call her one of my best friends. I just love our conversations and honesty and ability to talk about WHATEVER comes to my mind. It's amazing. She's recently shared her faith with me and I am happy for that. Finding my faith is something I'm struggling with and it's nice to have someone in my life who is secure in hers. I look forward to attending Church with her again.

I guess I should probably go finish up the rest of my homework and try to sleep. I feel like I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight. I'll just pull out the Gospel Principles book I have been reading. I like reading that before bed. It calms me. I actually fell asleep praying last night. It was such a cool feeling, I haven't sat down and prayed for the longest time.

Oh what a journey I'm on...